Does performing at the highest level of sport require sacrificing one's happiness and personal peace?

I’ve been doing a lot of what you might call “personal development” over the last few years. When I started out as a pro I was so single-mindedly focused on proving myself, proving my worth, solidifying my spot on Team USA, and developing my identity as an elite athlete that I forgot about developing myself as a person alongside those performance-based goals.

And I know I’m not the only one. Look at athletes like Naomi Osaka, Simone Biles, Michael Phelps, Chloe Kim and many more. When we all saw them absolutely crushing the game, what we didn’t see was how they were struggling personally in private.

At the end of 2020 I started making changes in my life.

1) Home base: Instead of training where my coach and team was, I decided to live and train where I could start building my life- no longer putting that off for “later”. Kevin and I asked ourselves “where do we want to live?” and “how do we want to structure our life together?” We had both been so focused on growing our careers that we had sacrificed living in the same city for 9 years. That no longer became a sacrifice we were willing to make. So we decided we would split time between Los Angeles, a vibrant city that we love, and Flagstaff, a high-altitude training hub for endurance athletes. Relationships with loved ones come first. ✅

2) Sponsor: My old sponsor saw my stock going down after a couple summers of back-to-back injuries. They made that clear in contract negotiations so I made the choice to step away from that relationship and seek a brand who saw my potential as an athlete and a leader in our sport. lululemon has gone above and beyond my wildest dreams of what a partner could be. They have been extremely supportive as I continue to figure out why my body keeps breaking down. Financial security to make sound decisions. ✅

3) Coaching: This is my most recent change and it has been nothing short of life-changing. I now work with a world-class triathlon coach, Greg Mueller, and a brilliant physio/guru/life coach, Jeff Moreno. The three of us make such an incredible team and with their help I have been able to stay on my feet with no injuries since September! That’s the longest time I’ve gone without injury in many years. Rock sold support system to keep me steady. ✅

4) Training partners: Running is not an individual sport, I don’t care who tells you otherwise. I can’t do this thing alone. I have no interest in doing this thing alone. And in the last year I somehow had the world’s best training partner fall into my lap. Katie Camarena is an up-and-coming USA distance star- mark my words! Katie, along with all of the other athletes who train in Flagstaff, have been my community and have kept me laughing through all the miles. Running community connections. ✅

Today I look around and I realize: wow, I have it all. This is truly amazing the way I have been able to build the life I dreamed of just a couple of years ago. It sounds sappy but I get a lump in my throat typing these words. I get emotional because I’m so incredibly grateful, yet at the same time I’m incredibly annoyed at myself. I’m annoyed because I still waste so much of my time and energy worrying and wanting. I worry about what will happen if I don’t make the team for 2024 and I want to not only be healthy but I want to be FASTER than I ever have been before.

I have so much, yet I’m not satisfied. 

When I made the Olympic team, won a national title, became a World Record Holder, and made 5 USA teams… I was in a long-distance relationship, my coach only talked to me when I was running well, I got injured dozens of times, I went through bouts of unhealthy eating habits, I got reduced by my sponsor, and lived in a city that felt like a temporary home…

Now I live with my partner, I have the best sponsors ever, my coaches couldn’t be more supportive and attentive, and I have the best training partner… but I haven’t been able to get back on the podium.

So now do you see why I ask the question? “Can you have personal peace and happiness AND professional success at the same time?”

My answer: I hope so. 

When I got injured in 2021 and didn’t even get to compete at the Olympic Trials, I felt like I had let myself and my support system down, as well as my new sponsor. In 2022 I got one step closer by racing at USAs, just to get injured in the prelim and not be able to compete in the finals 2 days later. Again, I felt like I had let everyone down by not being able to stay healthy.

It’s taken a lot of time, meditations, breath work, quiet walks with Pie, conversations with loved ones, and probably simply surviving enough injury disappointments to finally be able to let go of a lot of (still not all) the pressure and fear I’ve been holding on to for so many years. 

“What if I don’t make the 2021 Olympic team??” Well… I didn’t. And the world kept spinning. My true friends and family are still here. My sponsors are still here even.

“What if I don’t make the 2022 World Championships team??” Well… I didn’t. And the world kept spinning. My true friends and family are still here. And my sponsors are STILL here.

The things I feared, the things I felt like were a “worst-case-scenario”, happened. And while I’m sad that I missed out on those opportunities due to injury, I am now actually seeing how those experiences might be forcing me to have a reckoning with myself that I may have otherwise continued to avoid into eternity.

In the past few years I have been forced to find my happiness WITHOUT being on Team USA. I’ve been challenged to find joy OUTSIDE of running fast and far. I have been forced to see my value as a human being BEYOND what I can do on the track.

We are all growing, evolving, changing constantly. The way I approach my training and racing now is way different than in 2011 or 2016 or 2020. I now know in my heart that I don’t NEED to go to Paris in 2024 as part of Team USA. But… I still want to. I want to go because I think it would be fun and I want to experience the Olympics again, not because I feel like I need it to prove my legacy as an athlete or to add it as a line on my resume. And if it costs me my peace and happiness to get there? Well, that’s just not a price I’m willing to pay anymore.