I hate this for me…

I have always prided myself that I show up for my followers as my true self, my whole self, telling my story in the most authentic way I can. If something is happening, I pick up my phone and tell you all about it. In my experience, the benefit of this is two-fold. My fans get to follow along with every part of my journey and end up feeling like they know me. The result of that is that you all have someone you like to root for because you know I’m not a robot- I’m a real human being who struggles and triumphs. You all know I care, I feel, I laugh, I hurt, I cheer for others, I make sacrifices, I have fun, I love hard, I get disappointed, I get angry, I make mistakes… I am human. Just like all of you. The second benefit is that sharing the whole me makes ME feel good too when I find ways that make me feel connected to others. Living authentically feels good and right and true.

Well, I haven’t been completely honest with you all lately. I’ve been afraid to share this struggle with you. And hiding it has made the struggle even harder. Maybe it’s partly because I don’t really understand it myself. I think it’s because I’m feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. So I want to come clean and share some of the load I’ve been carrying and try to explain why I broke down.

I finally had to admit to myself that my body just needs rest and instead of trying to qualify for my second Olympics and my 6th USA team I am scratching from the Olympic Trials.

I can’t help but ask myself, “How is this happening to me right now?”

I set myself up for success this year. I really did. I chose to leave a training environment that was no longer serving me. I chose a new coach that I believe in and know is the right coach for the athlete I have grown into. I chose a sponsor that aligns with my values and treats me like a whole human, not a result-producing athlete machine, giving me space to breathe and be myself. I made so many difficult decisions and am proud of the way I handled the fork in the road.
But no matter how good my new set up is, change is just hard. I think I needed more time than I expected for it all to settle in. 

I put myself in the drivers seat of my life this year and knew I was ready for that responsibility. And I am. All of that is still true. It is all right and good. It is all just the way it should be. And yet, I find myself struggling with my body and my health again. After all that change, I find myself exhausted and breaking down physically. For the past couple of months I’ve been in too much pain to run, then I’d be able to get just enough training in to start getting hopeful, just to have it break down again. And then repeat the process. It’s been an exhausting rollercoaster.

You have to understand how frustrating this is for me. Immediately after the Olympics ended in 2016 I started dreaming about doing it again and doing it better. I knew I didn’t max out my potential in Rio and I was excited to work for the next 4 years for a chance to improve on my 8th place finish.

Then the pandemic hit and 4 years of work turned into 5. Then I changed my entire life and left my sponsor, coach, and team to create a life that will truly be my own. I have absolutely zero regrets about the choices I made this year. But one of my biggest fears is about others creating the narrative that I made all these big changes and then didn’t perform to my potential right after that and that it was due to the changes I made. I can’t stand that anyone would think that me dealing with another injury is because I didn’t just stay where I was. 

I told myself that when I have a coach who coaches me and just me and when I have a sponsor who doesn’t threaten me with scary reductions based on performance, that I wouldn’t even get injured because I could make all the right decisions for me along the way and always put my health and well-being first.

But then instead of others putting pressure on me I just put the pressure on myself more than ever. I felt like I had to do extra big things not only for me but for my coach, sponsor and all my fans as a way of saying “you were right to believe in me.” To be clear, these people don’t put this weight on me at all. I know all these people want me to enjoy my running and enjoy the process. All of my sponsors and my loved ones explicitly tell me this. I’m the one who thinks it has to all be perfect, who thinks it has to be the best story for me and for my whole support system.

Everybody wants me to be happy and healthy. I want that too. I’ve been working so hard to achieve that. Somehow the harder I try, the less it happens. The more I want it, the more tension builds in my body and the lump in my throat grows. 

Hell, I even want to do it for you. And I probably don’t even personally know you! But I know you follow along with my journey for inspiration or because it seems cool and interesting. And if I don’t go to the Olympics, if I don’t get an Olympic medal, will you still care about the rest of me?

I asked myself, “Why do I want to go to the Olympics? Why do I want an Olympic medal?” The answer that came out was this: I want to show young girls that they can do anything because this girl from St. Louis, Missouri who never felt like she fit in, never truly believed in herself, never even saw herself as a runner… that girl ended up being a champion. And I want to show those girls that they could be champions too. I want to tell them to stay open to opportunities, work really hard, and eventually you could do something amazing.

How am I supposed to tell that story if I fail? Who will listen?

I have goals off the track, you all probably know that about me by now. But I always saw those things in addition to my running achievements, not instead of. And I always thought you could have both and didn’t buy into this narrative that it had to be an either/or thing. Either you’re an amazing athlete OR you do things outside of the court/track/field that make an impact. That’s bullshit. There are athletes who can do both. I am an athlete who can do both.

And I do believe that if you stay open to opportunities and work really hard, you could do something amazing. So I’m gonna keep working, keep trying to figure this thing out. And I know I’ll be back out there soon ready to test myself and challenge myself again. First I need to take some rest. And I mean real rest. Physically and mentally. It’s time to reset and then build back up again. For now I’m going to focus on spending some time with my family and soak in their love and support.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to everyone who is in my corner. There have been so many people sending me love and support and letting me know they care about me and are rooting for me. I want you all to know that I feel that so much that it makes my heart hurt. Every time someone sends me a DM to encourage me or let me know they are cheering me on, it gives me more fuel to keep going, keep trying.

Thank you to my sponsors- lululemon, Whoop, Hyperice, Beam, Vital Proteins, and TIY.

Thank you to my coach, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and my doggo.

And thank you to all of my fans and followers.

I’ll be back. And in the meantime, I’ll be cheering SO hard for Team USA in Tokyo this summer.